Movie 'Review': "Texas Chainsaw 3D

NOTE: This review will be taking a slightly... different approach to what you're used to if you're a frequent reader of this blog.

In my mind, it should be more difficult for a film to get an F rating than it is to get an A. I mean, an F says a lot- to me, it means that a film has absolutely no redemptive qualities. But it also means that the film offends me on some level, either as a filmgoer or as a human being. Prior to watching Texas Chainsaw 3D, I had only given five Fs:

1. The Covenant- a film so poorly made that it has (thankfully) been forgotten by the moviegoing public.
2. Battle: Los Angeles- a film so unoriginal it feels that a computer wrote the script.
3. The Change-Up- a disgusting, unfunny and misogynistic film 
4. Law Abiding Citizen- torture porn dressed up as an "important" movie
5. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry- quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen. A film so homophobic it's actually disgusting.

Thanks to Texas Chainsaw 3D I now have to use two hands to count down my least favorite films.

Slasher films are my guilty pleasure but finding anything pleasurable about Texas Chainsaw 3D is a daunting challenge. The film is unwatchable. The fact that anybody involved in the production of this film- be it a producer, director, writer, actor, or even a make-up artist- could see this film and think that it was completed and fit for distribution is truly shocking.

When it comes to slasher films, the main attraction is, obviously, to see the dumb teenagers at the center get killed in a variety of brutal ways. But Texas Chainsaw 3D can't even get that right. There is no suspense, no dramatic weight to the brutality of the violence, and the bodies of the men and women being tortured are so obviously fake you'd think they sent some intern to the dollar store down the street to pick up a mannequin or two. There is no budget listed on Box Office Mojo, but I feel like anything higher $1 million sounds too high. I'm assuming that getting a C-list rapper like Trey Songz to "act" would cost at least that much.

Speaking of the acting- I know that slasher movies don't get the most talented casts, but I've seen better acting in a Cialis commercial. This cast makes Paris Hilton's emotionless turn in House of Wax look like Oscar material. The actors in this film are only asked to do so much- scream, run, make sex jokes and drop an occasional one liner ("Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!"). But not once did it seem genuine or even remotely convincing. Previous Texas Chainsaw films saw the debut performances of actors like Matthew McConaughey or Renee Zellweger. The actors in this film would be lucky to have a supporting part in a Lifetime movie.

And then there is the script. I guess you can give the film's writers some credit for trying to develop a plot slightly more interesting than the average slasher. Too bad the plot they've developed is absolute crap. I don't want to spoil the film for those who are interested in seeing it, but the twist at the end is baffling- not because it doesn't make sense, but because I can't imagine any writer actually thinking it was a good idea. But the twist isn't the only problem- the film's plot is so underdeveloped it feels like the actors were still figuring it out as they uttered the dialogue into the camera.

Texas Chainsaw 3D fits my criteria for an F rating. There is not a single redemptive thing about it, and it offends me as a filmgoer. I didn't pay any money to see the film (thank God for local libraries...) but if I did, I would feel robbed. I don't ask for much with a slasher film. Throw in a serviceable plot, shlocky acting, ridiculous gore and maybe even some gratuitous nudity and I'll feel like I got my money's worth.  But Texas Chainsaw 3D steals your money, 92 minutes of your time and leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth. I hated this film with every fiber of my being and pray that we don't see another film this bad in 2013- both for the sake of the film community, and my own sanity.

OVERALL GRADE: F

"Texas Chainsaw 3D" is now available on DVD, Blu-Ray and Video on Demand. I advise you to never, ever, watch it. 

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